Girls should come with a carfax report
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
You ruined the universe
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
