Acid is not a monday night drug
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
No subtext here. People are naked.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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