Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
