Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
