Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
