Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I can't turn off my feet"
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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