You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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