cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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