My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I am in a vortex of obligation.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
