I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
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Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
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Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
we should paint friendship bongs
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