What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
