Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Randomize
