I showed him my bush... on skype.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
