you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
