I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
