so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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