I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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