Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
