even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
