Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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