I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
