As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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