shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I wish you could order shots online.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
