A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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