Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
