There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
