just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
