i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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