I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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