Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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