Rock
Scissors
Fuck
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
