she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
