You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
