i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
