Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
