You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Randomize
