I'm gonna have a badass scar
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
