If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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