my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
