Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
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