just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
