Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
My pussy is not your playground.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
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