I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
