I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
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My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
You may now shotgun with the bride
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
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Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
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