i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
