Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
