Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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