look no pants
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
