He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Randomize
