Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
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