My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
