An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
