I just pynch a tree in the face
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
