I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
