I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize