I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
